How I became the Warrior of Change, what it cost me, and what I gained: a cheap divorce.
Our environment, the people, places, and things around us, are inextricably linked to who we are being. Our outer world mirrors our inner world. In these twelve months of posts I will describe six layers of how design and inner transformation work side by side for life changing shifts.
It was 3am, a Winter night, and I couldn’t sleep in the worst way. My mind was cooking all the thoughts in my head over and over like lightening and I couldn’t calm myself down.
‘But he loves me,’ ‘He says he will stop drinking,’ ‘What will I do without him?’ ‘He is perfect for me (in theory),’ and just nonsensical cravings for all the drama of him arguing with me and blaming me for shit like addicts do. It was all part of what thunder was aching me. It was also Flourish’s slow season, and my sales were in the dumps since I had spent the previous few months reshaping my life. I had no idea where money was going to come from before Spring.
Oh, did I mention I was about $200k in debt? Yeah, I was panicking.
All I wanted was to be airlifted out of my own head, picked up and held over top of my craftsman shoebox home so that maybe the cold air could help my anxiety stop. I called my mom. Withdrawal symptoms again. I wanted my drugs, but I knew I needed to stay cold turkey.
My mom spoke with me nicely for a little while until I could breathe again.
With my husband back in front of me I could live in denial and hide behind the ways I wasn’t taking responsibility in my life. Without him there, I was vulnerable, and clearly able to see where I needed to clean up my shit. This place was scary, and unknown.
When I learned I was a codependent, I realized why many things in my life hadn’t been working. The main thing, my marriage, would be the hardest piece to change. Since codependents treat addicts as their drugs, I basically had to kick my habit.
Once I uttered the word divorce six months before – and that had taken three years of coaches, counselors, and Al Anon to arrive at – I set about listing our house, purging ALL our furniture, my clothes, and personal effects. I knew the only way to get that man out of my hair would be to completely change my environment.
I knew this approach worked, and I had done it before. My coach calls me the Warrior of Change, and this would be my defining moment. I was committed to eliminating every hurdle.
I was tired of tolerating ‘less than’. Everything that reminded me of him had to go. Besides, I wasn’t that person anymore. I was meant to share great things with the world, and to be happy. I was meant to shine.
This commitment to change would lead to a healing so great, I would arrive on the other side surprised at how good life could actually feel. Because that’s what the true compass is for living, feelings. It took me so long to learn that a simple barometer is built right into our bodies.
The actual divorce cost me $350.
The financial complications and other sacrifices in its’ wake, however, could have stopped an army.
The debt could have been an excuse to stay longer, but without that toxic man in my life I paid it back completely in eighteen months. Instead of back down and wait for the tides to change, I doubled down and made shit happen.
I kept my coaches going – because I knew I could not continue momentum alone.
Then I shifted my environment to position myself for success. EVERYTHING was rebuilt into the better me, THE REAL ME. What I stood to gain was freedom. It was really close, I could see it.
What I realized was that when people want more money, what they really want is freedom. Most of the time they don’t really want it, because freedom is scary, it’s the unknown. We have to know who we are on a deep level to navigate freedom appropriately. Watch how many people say they want something and then don’t go get it. At least, don’t be one of them.
The house I rehabbed beautifully to live with him in? I sold it and put that money to work in my business so I could slay my way out of addiction and into a new chapter.
I moved across town, got a new circle of friends, and put seven years with a lovely drunk behind me. Every ounce of positivity, hope, and uplift I had helped me complete this process. Six months through the aftermath I was prone to suffocating on my own fears, craving him back.
By building a new life physically as I adjusted myself internally, the transition stuck. Fortunately I had enough faith that it could be better and it kept me going. And it was better than I hoped. While I’m far from those panicked nights, the work for me does not end as I now understand momentum.
People that know me from my knew plateau see an accurate version of who I am. It is now my job to teach people how I got here. Every step of change, I looked at both the patterns of behavior that needed to shift, and the people, places, and things of my environment that need to shift, too.
The people, places, and things we see everyday are mirrors, they show us who we are being.
If you don’t like what you’re seeing, it’s time for a detox.
A full on transition takes a full on commitment. I’ve been in coaching circles and small business groups for years watching people start, stop, and even move backwards. The truth is, a lot of people are tolerating less than what they want for themselves and I tell my stories so others can see how I did it. But only we can decide if we really want to do the work.
I always wanted a beautiful life both inside an out. I wanted to be surrounded in beautiful things. These things fall into place naturally when we have an inner alignment that is authentic to who we are. The most beautiful of spaces will be the ones that resonate with your truth. Your truth will resonate and shine from within you only if there is no bullshit in the way.
Detox is about saying no to the bullshit, and committing to it. If you need help staying accountable to a no bullshit policy start by eliminating in your own environment. Are there any people, places, or things that have to go? Whatever just popped into your head is the right answer. If you need help with accountability, then email me. Before you build a beautiful life, you have to look under the dark crevices and shine light on what’s not working.
Are you in this place? Are you finally out but have no idea where to go? Let’s talk.